Hiding Behind the Sofa

Here, everyone can hear you scream - they just won’t do anything about it.

As I write this upon a busy, crowded train, I can’t help but think that the menacing, hooded man slouching past looks like he would rather like to kill someone; going by the stains on his over-alls, I think he already has. Just for fun.

Understandably, the rest of the carriage have sunk deeper into their seats in the vague, somewhat desperate hope that he won’t choose them for desert, or - even worse - pick them as a neighbour; many look like they’re trying to melt into the fittings and refuse to say a word. I, on the other hand, have my mind fairly predictably elsewhere.
I don’t know about you, but isn’t this a tad familiar?

It’s hardly surprising that so many lone wolf it online, though, hiding behind the proverbial sofa with muted mic in hand in case someone equally unsavoury swoops down upon them; with a less than courteous multiplayer community, going silent is often the best option for a steady blood pressure and a quiet life, and because of the huge emphasis on stat-crunching nowadays (Call of Duty, this is all your fault), team-work is, more often than not, left by the wayside. And what do you care for communication when you’re after the next big promotion, anyway? Well, I’ll give you a clue. Ever played a match where your efforts were scuppered by that chap going AWOL at a critical moment? Or stealing that helicopter with the sole purpose of driving it backwards into a cliff for some obscure Trophy? Yeah, me too. Annoying, isn’t it?

However, it’s not just a royal pain in the backside; it’s also completely nonsensical. I mean, we came online in the first place because people make for far better conversation than the computer, are superior team-mates and provide a bigger challenge for us to pit our wits against. So why bother ignoring it all? You may as well be playing with yourself or the A.I for the good it would do you, and save yourself some cash on internet bills and connection fees. So, in the interest of our sanity and their wallets, I’ll make some simple pleas to the ‘mutes’ among us.

1: Give us a chance.

Seriously, we don’t all bite. Yes, I know that there’s an infestation of sycophantic five year olds and stunted troglodytes swilling Mountain Dew from their parents’ sofa over the interweb at the moment, but a larger portion still are like you or me. Congratulate someone on a kill well earned or commiserate their defeat and you’ll be surprised with the reaction you get.
Sometimes it'll even be pleasant.

Jokes aside, a lot of my firmest Xbox Live buddies were met in this way, and the best matches that I’ve ever played were with everyone chatting, joking and generally having a good time together, regardless of whether we were winning or losing; there's got to be something to learn from there.

2: Going it alone isn’t always the answer.

Then, to those with one-track minds, here’s a revelation; teamwork is imperative to getting a better score. Yup, really. Ever played an online match of Battlefield or Gears of War? Then you’ll know how hard it is to defeat a side that works together. Not only are they almost impossible to overcome, they also lock down every square inch of the map within seconds and mop up all the points as quick as thinking. You know the drill; spawn, die, spawn, die, rinse and repeat. There’s no end to it. So why don’t you give it a try? I can’t guarantee that you’ll always win, but I can promise that if you don’t, you will at least have a stunning place on the leaderboard to your name anyway.

And 3? Well, I'd love to write out a third but I’m afraid that I may have to leave my do-gooding there for now. You see, our hooded friend is eyeing up my laptop as he makes another yet another pass by, and while I’m far from a pessimist I'm afraid that I shall soon be mugged or - even worse - talked to; if you don’t hear from me for a few days then please, please send help to -